


Maybe Not Never

by fraidy_bat



Series: Loose Ends [2]
Category: She's the Man (2006)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Femslash, High School, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 08:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7794640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraidy_bat/pseuds/fraidy_bat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>98 percent of the time still leaves two percent in which anything can happen. A sequel to "He's Not You." Viola POV.  Originally posted on ff.net years ago, now on ao3 with some polishing. Femslash, obviously. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

As someone who has screwed up a whole hell of a lot in the last six months, let me give you some advice.

Don't take no for an answer from some jackass soccer coach who practices sexism as a way of life. If there is no girls' soccer team and you want to try out for the boys' team, go over his head. Talk to the principal, crash a school board meeting, rally the Parents' Association to your cause, draw up a petition and pester all your friends to sign it, research this little thing called Title IX and see if it applies to your school, picket, have a bake sale—do whatever you need to do to play soccer. Just don't get drastic and take matters into your own hands like I did. That brings me to me next little tidbit of advice.

Don't dress up like your brother and pretend to be a guy for two weeks. You might think that a couple weeks doesn't seem like long enough to do much harm, but you would be catastrophically wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Yes, my intentions were good and came from a pure place in my heart, but as we know all too well, the road to fiery, painful, dear-god-just-let-me-die _hell_ is paved with the good intentions of idiots like me.

And what exactly happened during those two weeks that was so bad, you ask? Man, let me tell you, I was _busy_. Busy messing up people's lives, that is.

First of all, it's not a good idea to live with a teenage boy who thinks you are also a teenage boy when in fact you are not. In the end, when the whole embarrassing truth comes out, he'll be royally pissed off that you a) lied to him about your true sex, b) let him tell you all kinds of sensitive things that could really ruin his rep, and c) watched him parade around in his underwear all the time. It's not a comfortable situation to find yourself in.

Second, definitely don't fall for the boy you're deceiving. It only makes things suck that much more when he learns you're really a girl and didn't tell him about it. Thankfully, things worked out okay for me and Duke, but it could have easily gone the other way and Duke might never have talked to me again.

Finally, if you must pretend to be a guy for a couple of weeks in order to play soccer and secure your future in college, don't be sweet, funny, or generally charming at all. Girls might fall in love with you. I learned this the hard way. I still can't believe I didn't notice how into me Olivia was, or maybe _is_. She was practically sending up signal flares, and I had no idea. I had to find out in a ladies room, for heaven's sake.

When I told everybody that I was really a girl, I was so focused on how mad Duke was going to be that I let Olivia's predicament slip my mind. It was shitty of me, honestly. And then to gloss over the issue because she thought my brother was cute? Awful. If we had just sat down and really talked about the fact that she had fallen in love with me as a guy, we might have avoided some of the more difficult spots in our relationship. Maybe Olivia wouldn't have figured out in such a painful way that she was in denial about me and my brother and how she felt about both of us. She might not have started avoiding me. We might not have had that big fight where I had to hear some difficult truths. And…other things…might not have happened.

It's been a month and a half since Olivia and I got everything out into the open. Well, as open as it gets between the two of us. It's nice to see that she and Sebastian are pretty good friends after the breakup. He's even dating Yvonne, and he hasn't wrecked it up yet!

I can't read her mind, but I know it's hard for Olivia to be my friend at times. Duke and I are still very together, a fact I'm quite happy about, but sometimes when he hugs me or kisses me and I know she's there, it sucks. I'm sure it sucks worse for her, and I can't stand that. I'm such a weakling; if I had feelings for someone who was with someone else, I don't know if I could stay friends. Olivia kicks my ass in the emotional fortitude department.

It's funny the things you learn when a friendship hits a crisis. For a little while after our fight, it looked like Olivia and I were done, that she wouldn't even get within two feet of me let alone talk to me again. It took me a little while to calm down after certain…things happened, but once it really started to sink in that I was losing her, I just about went insane. I practically kidnapped her just to get her to talk to me. I don't think I can remember ever feeling more like a prize asshole than when she starting crying because I insisted that she talk to me. She was falling apart right there in front of me, and I had this scarily strong urge to hold her. So I did. For a long time. And it felt…scary, but a good scary, and that's what was so freaking scary about it. We talked, and we decided that as long as I knew her feelings weren't going to go away and I respected that, we could still be friends. I finally let her out of the janitor's closet, and I held her hand all the way to her dorm. I don't know why. Well, that's not true. I know why, and I also don't know why. It's all very screwed up.

Which brings me to my final piece of wisdom that I will impart to you.

Don't let a pretty girl named Olivia Lennox kiss you. Even if you've just had a fight and she just made you realize what a jerk you've been. Even if you love your boyfriend, you aren't generally attracted to girls, and she used to date your brother. Even if things will eventually work out (mostly) so you can be friends again. I managed to learn this the hard way, too.

Everything is supposed to be fine now. We have an understanding, and things should be perfect. We're just friends, and I'm happy with Duke. But my stupid mind wanders back to the three or four seconds when Olivia kissed me, and to those days when it seemed like I had lost her, and to that tiny supply closet where she was so close to me.

And now I'm more confused than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

For a boy with as little hair as Duke, he certainly took a long time to get himself ready for a simple dinner date. I sat on my brother's bed, one leg crossed over the other, wagging my foot impatiently. He'd already spent ten minutes fussing with his aftershave, and now he was fiddling with the collar of his black button-up shirt.

He glanced at me, and I checked my imaginary watch. "All the food will be gone by the time we get there, Princess."

My sass was rewarded with a little scowl as Duke purposefully gave his collar one last flick. He wasn't actually offended, though, as the slight beginnings of a smile proved. "You should be happy I spend so much time making myself pretty for you."

I stood up and kissed him on the nose. "And I'm very grateful, sweetie. I've seen what you look like in the morning before you have your face on," I jabbed playfully.

He rolled his eyes, shrugged on his leather jacket, and grasped my elbow to pull me out of the room.

It was January and chilly out. Duke had one arm firmly around my shoulders as we walked to his car. In silence, I might add. Not necessarily a bad silence, but an empty one. As soon as we were both ensconced in Duke's sedan, he immediately launched into some story about the latest ridiculous thing Eunice had said or done. I had the sneaking suspicion that I'd already heard this one earlier today, but he was so engaged in telling it that I let him be and laughed at all the right moments. It was pretty funny anyway; Eunice was...unique, to say the least.

The rest of the ride was filled with lively chatter about homework and new semester woes and weird teachers. We avoided the topic of soccer without trying to look like we were avoiding it. Now that the season was over, Duke and I made the somewhat disconcerting discovery that most of our time together was spent on the soccer field, and previous to that, in our shared dorm room. With the last game of the season--division champs, I'd like to point out--we found ourselves smack in the middle of the next stage of our relationship, one that didn't include mandatory hours spent playing soccer and goofing around on the field every day. And since I definitely didn't live with Duke and hadn't for months, we didn't have that either.

At first, nothing felt any different. I saw Duke almost every day of winter break. He impressed me with how much time he willingly spent with my mother, who fussed over him and repeatedly complemented him on his excellent physique. God, my mother is bizarre. It helped to have the strange but welcome presence of my dad at these little gatherings. He slapped Duke on the back a lot and did his best to talk sports. It was awkward at times, having Duke with my family, but I felt like he belonged, imperfect as it was.

When school started back up, we walked and talked in the hallways between classes, had lunch with the guys, and went out on weekends, either with friends or by ourselves. Soccer, or the lack of soccer, really, was the neon green elephant in the room that we persistently ignored. In terms of sheer hours, we spent about half as much time together. Gradually, even though we did our best to pretend it wasn't true, it became clear that without our shared sport, we had less in common than we thought. It would be stupid to say that we had nothing in common besides soccer. Many of my interests definitely overlapped with his, and it certainly helped that we loved each other and enjoyed being together. But more and more, we found ourselves swimming around in those neutral silences, eventually forcing ourselves to break out of them with recycled stories or routine discussion of the latest crappy thing that had happened in class.

We were trying a new restaurant that evening, and I was glad about that. Cesario's was great, but it came with too much baggage, and there were certain suitcases that threatened more and more often to explode all over me, suitcases that I really wanted to stay shut. So here we sat in a new booth in a new place, one of those nondescript bar and grill joints that tended to seem just like the bar and grill place two blocks down but with a different name and slightly different quirky Americana décor all over the walls. I hate to admit that I wasn't really paying much attention to whatever Duke was saying. Truthfully, I was wondering if he was going to resort to asking me about cheese or something equally desperate soon.

Somehow, without our knowledge, we had settled. I blame the end of soccer for it. Or maybe it happened before soccer ended and we just hadn't noticed. Or didn't want to. Whenever it happened, it definitely hit me in the face that evening. It felt like a wet fish, or at least as unpleasant. I knew Duke pretty damn well by now, and he knew me just as well. I was acquainted with all his habits, and he mine. It pissed me off that it happened now, in our teenage years, when normally this kind of thing doesn't happen until middle age, or at least after a few years of marriage. The relationship was predictable, stagnant. We were doggie paddling through just to keep above water.

I can't describe my frustration at this. I loved him, I was still very attracted to him, and I wanted him in my life. I didn't know anything about how he felt about it, but I could tell that he sensed the same 'cooling down' I did. All I knew was that we spent less time together, had fewer things to talk about, and slipped into a rut. Something like fear grabbed at my heart and squeezed.

_I don't want this to be over._

Duke was ordering food now, and I closed my eyes, knowing exactly what he would have.

_Double burger, no pickles, curly fries. Dr. Pepper._

"Hey, um, I'll have the double burger with the curly fries. And no pickles on the burger."

"And to drink?" asked the tired server, her attempt at a bright and sunny customer service tone sounding flat and hollow.

"Dr. Pepper. Thanks."

I opened my eyes and ordered the chicken salad, wondering if Duke knew I was going to. If he did, he made no indication of it.

I mentioned a movie we'd seen recently, and that sent us off into a lengthy discussion of what Duke had hated about it. He smiled at me and spoke animatedly, and there was something in his demeanor that nagged at me.

Relief.

Relief to be talking about something legitimate. I hoped I was imagining it, all of it, that we were fine, and our relationship wasn't drowning after all. Along with the fear that clenched at my heart, something else was sneaking up on me, something dark and terrible of me for even thinking.

_This is_ her _fault._

The wave of bitterness that swept over me left me feeling stunned and ashamed of myself. It was my fault, only mine, but the new unfortunate turn with me and Duke left me panicking and searching for someone to blame.

When at my most despicable, I liked to think that the slowdown between me and Duke was because of the stuff with Olivia. It was easy to point the finger at her, saying to myself, "If she hadn't told me all that junk about being in love with me…" "If she hadn't broken up with Sebastian…" "If she hadn't tried to end our friendship…" "If she hadn't kissed me…"

That last resentful thought was always, always followed by smaller, more worried one: "If I hadn't enjoyed it…"

There it was, the thing that I did everything I could to keep tucked away somewhere. It bothered me for several reasons, the first of which being that it served as an inconvenient reminder that Olivia and I would never have ended up where we were when it happened if I hadn't deceived her with my male impersonation to begin with. Second, it made me feel guilty that Duke, a guy I loved, was the one I should be focusing on, and here I was thinking about how I had enjoyed kissing someone else. The third and final reason for my constant burial of it and how it made me feel was that it scared the living shit out of me.

_I love Duke. Olivia is just my friend._

How many times a day did I repeat that to myself? Too many. It was becoming more difficult every day for me to completely believe it. Oh, I didn't doubt that I loved Duke. I really did. It was the question of how much, and how long would it last. As for the other half of the statement…

I knew Olivia had a hard time with me, especially when Duke was around. We both knew why. This was not the problem for me. Hell, it wasn't the first time a girl had liked me. I learned how to deal with that years ago. The problem was this little tiny pinprick in my heart that appeared when Olivia finally told me everything and kissed me. It only got bigger when it looked like she was out of my life for good, and when I held her in my arms and we decided we could still be friends, it tore open just a little bit more.

The problem was the way this hole in my heart sometimes felt when I could sense that she was unhappy, or when we were laughing together about something, or she was particularly close to me for some reason. It didn't happen all the time, this feeling, but every once in a while, my heart felt like it would just rip wide open and let Olivia come pouring in.

I was simply not ready for that, nor did I want it to happen. I wanted to be happy with my boyfriend and keep Olivia as my friend. I wanted to find that spark between me and Duke again. I wanted the tear in my heart to close up, or at least not get any bigger.

Duke stopped talking about the movie and regarded me carefully across the table. "Are you okay, Vi? You seem kinda…elsewhere."

He was very cute when he was concerned. "I'm here, Duke. I was just thinking about school."

"Yeah." He smiled and bit into the double burger without pickles that I had predicted.

I smiled back, took a bite of my chicken salad, and pushed any thoughts of Olivia and the hole in my heart far, far away.

_Maybe this time they won't come back._


	3. Chapter 3

Maternity leave sucks. If Mrs. Greenblatt hadn't finally popped and had that kid, I wouldn't have been shuffled into Mr. McCoy's US Government class. My original Gov class was small enough that Illyria decided to simply redistribute us into the other two Gov classes instead of hiring a long-term substitute teacher for the rest of the year. My seventh period study hall was moved to fourth period, and now because of that I was sitting in Mr. McCoy's seventh period US Government & Politics class.

Damn procreation. Why did Mrs. Greenblatt and her sad, gangly husband choose to have a kid _this_ year? Because they wanted to 'start a family,' the delicate balance of my life had completely gone to hell.

I wasn't anti-children or anything, but this kid had certainly screwed things up for me. Because of him--it was a bouncing baby boy as we all found out later, how charming--I was now sitting in the fifth seat of the second row of desks, and Olivia Lennox was sitting in the desk right in front of me. Blonde hair, cute shoes, lip gloss, and all. Previously to Mrs. Greenblatt's own little Miracle of Life, Olivia and I did not share any classes. That was different now, and it really shouldn't have been that big of a deal considering the fact that we saw each other every day anyway, but I suppose I was caught off guard, being suddenly confronted with her like that.

Upon entering class the first time, she made eye contact with me and smiled this big, happy smile. Mr. McCoy signed the necessary papers and told me to take any available seat. Naturally, I had to take the empty one behind Olivia. Anywhere else would have been blatantly rude. Besides, this was not a bad thing. In fact, this was a nice development. More time with my friend!

As I took my seat, Olivia swiveled to smile again and say hi. I returned the greeting, and as she faced front again, I caught a whiff of her shampoo. She smells good, came the thought, floating through my mind. I was just starting to lean closer to her and the nice smell when I caught myself, mid-lean.

I pressed the heel of my hand into my forehead. I had been so successful at concentrating on getting my relationship with Duke back up to speed and forgetting about my increasing difficulty with Olivia, and all it took was one inhalation of something vaguely flowery to bring me careening toward the brink of disaster once more.

_Get a grip, Hastings._

And I did. I banished all thoughts of smelling Olivia's hair again and focused on the three branches of government. I also thought about what to get Duke for his birthday. Duke was born on February 11th, three days before Valentine's Day. Our first Valentine's Day together was also going to be something of a birthday celebration for him. Obviously, it would be an important occasion. While jotting down notes about executive powers, I scribbled a list of ideas in the margin of my notepaper: new jacket, music, watch he probably won't wear, cleats he was drooling over—

I stopped and erased the part about cleats. He wouldn't wear them until soccer season started again, and was too far away for cleats to be any kind of present at all. A few more things made it onto the list whenever Mr. McCoy went off on a tangent totally unrelated to government, but I wasn't sure what gift would say, loud and clear, "our relationship is still as exciting and unpredictable as it ever was." I gave up just as the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Sighing, I packed up my things.

I zipped up my backpack, and when I lifted my head, Olivia was beaming at me.

"This is great, Vi! I've never had a class with you before," she said brightly.

"Yeah. I don't know how you survived this long without me," I joked as we stepped out into the hall.

"I managed, but just barely," she said, grinning at me.

I wanted to say something else, but suddenly there weren't any more words. Not to start sounding like a movie or something, but Olivia had a few different smiles. There was the brave smile, the one she wore when she was unhappy but didn't want to look unhappy and ruin someone else's good mood. I noticed this smile most often when she wasn't feeling well, or when she happened to be around while Duke and I were…PDA-ing. Then there was the uncomfortable smile, the one that appeared when she didn't want to be rude to the weirdo who was accosting her. This one was almost exclusively reserved for Malcolm. And then there was the happy smile, and it was just like it sounds. Happy. Really happy.

And she was smiling the happy smile at me.

\---------------------------

"So Vi, did you hear about my awesome idea?"

"Huh?" I said, pulling my iPod earbuds out of my ears. Sebastian was looking at me with one of his typical mischief-making expressions. Those were the looks that ended up with really unwise choices being made, such as me dressing up like a guy. If Sebastian hadn't schemed his way to London, I never would have gone on my little cross-dressing adventure. Sebastian scared me when he schemed. "Oh god, what have you done now?"

Sebastian held a hand over his heart as though deeply offended. "That hurts, Viola. I'm trying to do something great for your boyfriend, _my_ roommate, and you automatically assume I'm up to something."

I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to get on with it.

He grinned and sat next to me on the couch. "So Duke's birthday is coming, right? And I know that you two will probably want to do something romantic or whatever for Valentine's Day, but that's no way for a guy to celebrate his 18th birthday."

"You are not getting my boyfriend a stripper, Sebastian."

Annoyed, he shook his head. "I'm not getting him a stripper, so don't freak out. And even if I was, I wouldn't tell you about it."

I opened my mouth to make a smartass comment, but he cut me off.

"Sunday of Duke's birthday, we'll have a surprise party for him. Here, at Mom's house. We'll barbecue, invite a bunch of people—it'll be great. And you can still have your perfect girly Valentine's Day with him so you can talk about feelings and stuff."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Does Yvonne know how cynical you are about 'feelings and stuff'?"

"I'm only cynical about feelings when it comes to you. I don't want to think about my sister and my roommate getting all mushy over candlelight, okay?" He grimaced before rounding on me again. "So? Party for Duke? What do you think?"

I considered for a moment. It was actually a pretty decent idea. "Sounds good. You have my official girlfriend Stamp of Approval."

"Good, 'cause I already invited all our friends and half of Illyria." Sebastian winked at me and stomped up the stairs to his room in our mother's house. "Don't worry about making party arrangements or anything. Mom got wind of this and pretty much has everything worked out already. All you have to do is show up and not forget to bring Duke."

"I think I can handle that." Sebastian was almost to his room when I remembered something. "Hey, does Duke know about any of this?"

Sebastian leaned over the hallway railing on the second floor and grinned at me. "It's a surprise party, Vi. So naturally, he knows all about it."

\---------------------------

It took me until my third class with Olivia to notice him. He had dark curly hair, broad shoulders, a perfect smile, decent fashion sense, and he sat in the desk to Olivia's right. He also liked to lean over the narrow aisle between them, smirk, and say things to her under his breath, presumably about Mr. McCoy's latest rant about the moral degeneration of today's youth, or perhaps the odd way in which the poor man's salt-and-pepper hair would always form a cowlick in the back.  
I couldn't remember his name, but I didn't feel too bad about that. Most of the kids at Illyria had gone to school together for years, but I had only been there for five months or so. No one could expect me to know everyone's name, especially not some random curly-headed dude who showed way too many teeth when he smiled.

_Mike. John. Josh._

It was something normal sounding, something dull, something with one syllable…

"Shh, Greg," Olivia shushed him when he leaned over to tell her something.

_Greg. Right._

I couldn't help smiling. Poor Olivia, always with the weird stalker guys. At least this one was pretty good-looking, which was more than could be said for Malcolm. Greg settled back into his seat and didn't say anything else for the rest of class. Olivia had shut him down, and I felt something very much like pride.

It wasn't until later in the second week of sharing a class with Olivia that it happened. Mr. McCoy would scrawl things on the board and lecture and Olivia would write notes that were always much neater than mine, and that Greg kid would lean so far over that his right butt cheek would actually leave the seat, and she would mostly ignore him. Or so I thought. It was on Wednesday of the second week that Greg said something conspiratorially to Olivia, and she laughed.

I knew that laugh. I first heard that laugh, and it was more of a soft giggle, really, outside Principal Gold's office after he gave us an awkward speech about abstinence. I was still being "Sebastian" then, and when Gold went back into his office and shut the door behind him, Olivia looked me in the eye and laughed the laugh she was now laughing for Greg. From my vantage point behind them, I saw Olivia tuck her hair behind her ear, and I could tell from how pink her ear was becoming that she was blushing. Greg was grinning so hard that I thought his face might tear itself in half.

I frowned a little. Olivia was laughing at Creepy Leaning Guy's jokes, and I thought she had better sense than that. It's like Malcolm. She would always be as polite as possible to him, but never, ever encourage him in his amorous overtures. Malcolm was like his tarantula, Malvolio: you _really_ didn't want to feed him.

And yet here she was, feeding the tarantula.

Realizing that I had missed the first half of McCoy's lecture because of watching Greg invade Olivia's personal bubble, I scrambled to catch up with the lecture. Olivia was probably just being nice. That's the kind of person she was, always trying not to hurt anybody. I only hoped that being nice to Greg wouldn't make him even more obsessed with her.

_Like Olivia needs another Malcolm…_

\----------------------------

On a Monday in early February, during my third week in McCoy's US Government class, the bell rang to end class, and I packed my things. I looked up, expecting to see Olivia waiting to walk out of class with me, but she wasn't there. Puzzled, I ventured into the hallway and looked around. Just as I caught sight of her, I felt someone large plow right into me.

"Hi, Duke," I said as he enveloped me in a bear hug. Without really thinking about it, I turned my head and tried to find Olivia in the crowd again. Duke was hugging me so hard that I couldn't really see anything but his black sweatshirt, so I casually shuffled us around until I could see her again. I just wanted to know what was so important that she had to leave without me.

Duke was telling me something about having a lot of math homework, but I was gazing down the hall. Olivia was walking with Greg, and it looked like they were having a lively conversation. I watched her face for the uncomfortable smile that ought to have been showing up at any moment, but it never did. I squinted, wanting to be sure I was seeing things right.

Greg talked and gestured and grinned, and Olivia was smiling at him.

I turned my head so that my face was buried in Duke's chest, and I tried to make sense of the fact that she was smiling her happy smile.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't know why you had to insist on driving," I said, looking over at Duke from the passenger seat of his car. "At least pretend you don't already know where we're going."

Duke grinned and watched the busy Sunday afternoon shopping traffic weaving ahead of us. "Everybody already knows that I know, Viola."

"Yeah, but just imagine how disappointed people will be when they all yell 'surprise!' and you don't get scared and scream like a girl," I pouted.

"They'll get over it. Besides, it's my birthday, and embarrassing myself is not what I had in mind," he said, laughing a little.

"If you don't act even a little surprised, my mother might never forgive you." It was a dirty trick, but it was probably going to work.

A wary look came into his eyes, and I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down when he swallowed.

"W-why not?"

"Oh, you know my mom, she loves parties and planning and for things to be perfect, and if you aren't _surprised_ at the surprise party she planned for you, her heart might break into a thousand pink, frilly, Martha-Stewart-wannabe pieces," I said breezily, nonchalantly gazing out the window. "Minus the prison time, of course."

"Prison time?" exclaimed Duke, starting to sound slightly alarmed.

"Martha Stewart. Not you, dummy."

Duke frowned and gripped the steering wheel extra hard. "Fine. Two blocks from your house, we'll switch and you can drive."

"And?" I inquired sweetly, hanging off his shoulder.

"And I'll…act surprised," he grumbled, but I could tell that he was trying not to smile.

I felt very reassured at this concession. Everything was starting to feel a little more normal, more like it was in the beginning. I was doing everything I could to banish the empty air that always seemed to settle between us now, and this birthday party for Duke felt like a big opportunity. I could show Duke how much I loved him and how much our relationship meant to me.

_Yes. I can._

I would give him the very nice watch I bought him with my father's guilt money, and he would love it. We would be together, happy, surrounded by all of our friends at this perfect event. Duke would act surprised, Sebastian would play his guitar, barbecue and cake would be consumed, and things would get back on track.

Even as I tried to lift my own spirits through sheer force of will, I felt the now-familiar downward tugging of the thing that would not leave me the hell alone. It had been almost four weeks since I sat in the desk behind Olivia in McCoy's government class, and almost three weeks since I even realized someone named Greg Valerio existed, and I was really starting to dislike that guy. He just seemed so…phony. A little slimy, even. Olivia continued to reward his juvenile attempts at humor with soft laughter and short chats after class. She didn't totally ignore me again after the very first time, but her attention was definitely divided. I would do my best to send Greg the strongest "go the hell away" vibes I could muster, but it always seemed to take too long for him to shuffle off.

I couldn't understand why Olivia would give him the time of day, let alone encourage his behavior. He was probably just another obsessed psycho like Malcolm, or some horny jerkoff looking to get into her pants so he can brag to all his friends.

In fact, 'dislike' was not the right word. I loathed Greg Valerio. Despised. Wanted him to fall off the face of the Earth and leave Olivia alone. He irritated me in the worst way.

I was so darkly absorbed in my near-hatred for Greg that I didn't realize Duke had pulled the car over until he gently poked me in the ribs.

"Working out the secrets of the universe there?" Duke asked as his mouth curved into a half smile. "It's time for you to drive."

"Oh. Right." I flashed him my best 'I love you' smile and switched seats with him. I inwardly berated myself for letting my mind wander off when it this entire day should be about Duke.

Pulling into the driveway and putting the sedan in park, I rounded on Duke and whipped a strip of black cloth out of my pocket. "Blindfold, champ."

"Aw, come on." Duke got out of the car and started toward the front door. I darted in front of him and jutted my lower lip out.

"Please, baby? Please?"

After a heavy and melodramatic rolling of the eyes, he consented. Once the blindfold was secured, I led him up the steps and to the door. The house on the other side was eerily quiet. _They know we're here._

I laid a hand on the door handle. It was unlocked, so I slowly swung the door inward and nudged Duke through. As soon as both his feet were in and I shut the door behind us, the crowd of people packed into the entryway of my mother's house erupted in unison:

"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

I felt Duke's muscles jump a little under my hand, and he whipped the blindfold off to reveal a very convincing pleasantly surprised expression. Secretly, I think he really was a bit startled by all those people shouting at once, and him in a blindfold. Not that he would ever admit it. Guys from the soccer team and guys he knew from class began to crowd around him, clapping him on the shoulder or giving him those masculine guy-hugs that I found kind of amusing.

Girls began to advance on him, too. Some of them I knew, some I didn't. _How many people did Sebastian invite to this party, anyway?_ Most of them gave him a little hug and said happy birthday, but a few were coming quite close to flirting with him. Truthfully, it didn't bother me that much. I was used to other girls doing double- and triple-takes with my boyfriend.

Now the crowd was starting to thin out and flow into other parts of the house, and it was like something out of a movie. I felt the brief impulse to turn around and look for Charleton Heston in his Moses costume behind me, parting the sea with his big staff. The mass of people seemed to split exactly in the middle, leaving a clear path to the grinning person waiting at the other side.

It's a damn good thing I already had a hand on Duke's arm, because the sight of Olivia standing there threatened to make me lose my balance and fall right over. She wore a black halter-top that showed way more skin than usual, and what beautiful, smooth, perfect skin it was. The tiny pair of shorts she had on accentuated all the right--or maybe wrong--things, and even her feet looked adorable in the black flip flops she wore. After more than five months of friendship, I'd seen her in countless outfits (sweats, debutante gown, workout clothes, pajamas, jeans, t-shirts, mini-skirts, tank tops, sweaters, and so on), but for some reason, today in the entry hall of my mother's house, it was as though I was seeing her for the very first time.

She was here for Duke's party because this was Duke's day, but she was looking at me. The smile, the look in her eyes, the mysterious and indescribable allure that apparently came with this particular black halter—it was all for me. My face felt hot, and I realized the rest of me was starting to feel pretty warm, too. There was an ache in my chest that got worse with every second I spent looking at her. She waved and finally broke eye contact with me, and I wondered how long I had been staring at her.

_She is so beautiful_ , I thought before I could stop myself.

As Duke waved back, I noticed that Kia and Paul were with her. My feet were moving; we were drawing closer to them.

"Hey, Duke. Happy birthday!" Olivia said brightly, standing on tiptoe to give Duke a light kiss on the cheek. I felt numb.

"Yeah, happy 18th, man." Paul punched Duke playfully in the shoulder. "I'd kiss you too, but Viola would murder me."

"Yeah, thanks," Duke said in mock discomfort.

I was barely keeping up with the conversation. Normal brain function had come to a screeching halt. I wanted to rewind and start this all over. Come in the door, everyone yells surprise, and don't look at Olivia that way. My heart was racing, and I searched for an escape route; I needed to get a hold on myself.

I felt a hand come to rest lightly on my arm. It was Kia, and the concerned way she was looking at me made me suddenly wonder if she was reading my mind. People were talking and laughing all around me, Duke included, and no one seemed to have noticed the trouble I was having except Kia. I forced a smile for her and turned my attention to Duke once more.

_Don't look at Olivia, don't look at her, don't look…_

"Oh hey, have you guys met my friend Greg?" I heard Olivia say, and felt instead of saw another person join our small group. Looking at Olivia right now was hard enough. I really didn't want to look at Greg, or meet him, or shake his hand, but I wanted even less to look like a complete jerk in front of everyone, so I reluctantly tore my eyes away from Duke.

This was the first time I'd really gotten a look at him that wasn't stolen in class or in the hall, and he was taller than I thought. I knew the ridiculous grin, though. That looked even more absurd up close. I had the unexpected and somewhat disturbing urge to knock every one of his straight white teeth out, preferably with a baseball bat.

"Great party, dude. Happy birthday," he said, and I almost rolled my eyes.

"Thanks, man," said Duke good-naturedly. "So how do you know Olivia?"

"From class," he replied, and I watched his hand move toward the small of Olivia's back and stop just before making contact. I guess he thought better of it. I plastered on the fakest fake smile ever when he instead offered the hand to me to shake. I hesitated for a split second before giving him the worst handshake I could.

"You're Viola, right? You're in McCoy's class too." He pretended he didn't notice how limp and dead my hand was.

"Yep, that's me. Viola."

"Aren't you—" he began, eyes narrowing. I had a suspicion about what this question would be if he actually had the balls to ask it. "Are you the girl that dressed up like a guy at the beginning of the year?"

I have to admit that I was a little impressed. "Me again, yes."

His eyes widened with interest. "So that guy playing the guitar over there—" he pointed into the living room at Sebastian, "—is your brother? The one you pretended to be?"

"Uh huh."

His grin got even wider, if that was possible. "Awesome."

Risking a look at Olivia, I thought I saw a flicker of annoyance flash across her face, but I might have been imagining it. I wouldn't have blamed her for being annoyed, though. This wasn't exactly a favorite subject for me, her, Duke, my brother, or anyone else involved. We had each had this conversation with half of Illyria already, and it got old pretty fast. I almost wished Greg would've pursued the issue more, as it might have made Olivia like him less, but sadly, he let it drop.

Paul enthusiastically introduced himself. Greg, despite my contempt for him, was quite the good-looking young man, and I think Paul was immediately a little smitten. I made a mental note to talk him out of it later. Kia briefly said hello to Greg before I felt her eyes on me again. _How does she know that something is wrong?_

"I'm going to get something to drink, so I'll see you guys later, okay? And happy birthday again, Duke," Olivia said, smiling before heading for the kitchen. Greg followed closely after her like a lovesick puppy. It was enough to make me gag.

_Did he come here with her? Did they come_ together _?_

I glared at Greg's back and grumbled under my breath, but the insistent tugging of Duke's hand on my arm brought me out of my dark thoughts. He pulled me through the house, high-fiving people all the way, until we were in the sunny backyard. Andrew was proving his manhood by barbecuing the burgers and hotdogs, and Toby was acting as deejay. The bass line of the song loudly playing right then reverberated through my body, and I closed my eyes, allowing it to take over my senses.

This was not going according to plan. Paying attention to my boyfriend on his birthday should not have been a struggle, yet it was. I was doing everything I knew how to feel close to him and connected to him, but I fell just short of the mark. I loved him, but the gap between us was widening instead of shrinking. All of a sudden, I felt so sad that I had to leave Duke's side and find someplace to sit down. The relationship was ending, right there in my backyard, with all my classmates laughing and talking, and that bass line pounding in my chest. I wanted to know if Duke felt it too, this inescapable finality.

As quickly as it appeared, the sadness gave way to a stubborn anger. No, this was not happening. This was my relationship, my life, my decision. I was not going to take this lying down. I refused to let go of him that easily. We would make it past this slump because I decided we would.

So, I recommitted myself for the hundredth time to loving Duke and getting the old 'us' back. I got up and walked over to where he was laughing with Andrew. I put my arms around him and kissed him. I didn't let go until Andrew made an uncomfortable coughing noise.

"Get a room, guys," he said, snickering.

Duke jokingly shoved him and leaned down to kiss me again. It felt good, nice…familiar. I put everything I had into that kiss, coercing myself into ignoring the growing knot of despair inside me and the lingering pain in my chest from before, when I had seen Olivia. I fervently hoped that the ache in my chest didn't mean that the thing I was so afraid of had finally happened, that the small Olivia-shaped hole in my heart had gotten big enough to actually hurt all the time.

_Don't be stupid_ , I told myself. _This is what matters. This is where you belong._

Duke held me in his arms, and I struggled to feel anything but conflicted.


	5. Chapter 5

"You guys wanna play a little game?" Toby called out, holding a soccer ball in one hand.

"What, now?" said Duke, setting down his soda.

"Yes, now. It's your birthday, and you love soccer, so we're required to play soccer with you," he replied, tossing Duke the ball.

Grinning, Duke stood up and poked me in the shoulder. I got up from the lounge chair I was in and stood next to him. He pointed a finger at Toby. "Okay, you're on."

As far as I knew, no one had played a game of soccer since the season ended, not even a casual backyard game like this. I felt hope infusing my heart; this is what Duke and I did best together.

"I call Andrew," said Toby, taking off his watch and handing it to Eunice, who was gazing adoringly at him.

"Obviously, I got Viola," Duke said, winking at me.

Soon, more guys from the team were taking sides, and then some people not on Illyria's varsity soccer team were joining in. Even some girls besides Kia and Yvonne were expressing an interest, and I nodded to myself in approval. It always did me good to see my fellow females playing sports.

My mother's very large house had a very large backyard to go with it, and much of it was covered with thick, well-kept grass. It was perfect for a nice, friendly game of soccer. Everybody started taking off shoes and shedding jackets. It struck me as funny that it was 75º outside and very sunny, but since it was the middle of February, people still felt some kind of seasonal obligation to bring jackets or sweaters. We didn't get much of a winter where we lived, but the pile of discarded outerwear spoke of all that wishful thinking.

My good mood was climbing toward its apex, and as I geared up with my little makeshift soccer team, using rocks as goal posts and sticks for sidelines, I was unprepared for the swift descent it would take when I looked over to see who had joined the other team and was already taking off his socks.

It was loud outside, and I was really glad about that. Greg smiled and waved to Olivia who was watching from the patio with several other partygoers, and I made a noise of complete disgust. Thankfully, no one but me heard it.

"Have you ever played before?" I heard Olivia call out to him.

He laughed, and it was truly an unpleasant sound. "A little when I was a kid. So this should be funny."

She smiled coyly, and I felt slightly nauseated. "I might find it amusing."

"That's why I'm doing it," he said, leaning toward her so he could make better eye contact. She turned pink and lowered her eyes. I resolved to kill him. Or at least break his leg. That creep had no business putting his slimy moves on her. He was absolutely untrustworthy, and I had to get rid of him. If I couldn't put him in the hospital, I was at least going to shame him into never speaking to her again.

Duke pulled us into a huddle to determine positions, and since it looked like they were putting Greg at right forward, I requested left forward. In another minute, we were face to face. His lips pulled back from his teeth in that hideous smile of his. I was sure he was taunting me, daring me to upstage him in front of Olivia.

_Oh, you do not know who you are messing with, asshole._

Eunice, our newly appointed referee, blew a whistle she just happened to have with her in her purse (that girl did not cease to amaze), and we were off. My team started out with the ball, and as it was passed over to me, I ran past Greg, throwing my shoulder into his chest as I went. I saw him stagger as I flew by. Within a minute, I had scored a goal.

On my way back to my starting position, I smirked at him. "Ya like that, sucker?" I said in a low voice that only we could hear. He glowered at me, rubbing the place on his chest where my shoulder had connected. I grinned to myself. I hadn't felt this satisfied in a long time.

The game progressed like any other backyard game of soccer. People argued over sidelines and corner kicks and who last touched the ball before it went out. Duke seemed to be having a great time, but truthfully, I couldn't say much more than that about how he felt about it. I spent the entire game running Greg Valerio into the ground, sometimes literally. By the time we were nearly done with the twenty-minute game, I had discreetly elbowed him in the ribs more times than I could count, plowed into him with my shoulder on several occasions, and he was covered with grass stains from all the times I'd knocked him to the ground when jostling for possession of the ball. Hardly anyone but Greg and I knew I was doing it on purpose. Hardly anyone.

Eunice blew the final whistle, and my team had won. I walked to the patio in search of water, and Greg came up behind me, glaring so hard that a muscle in his forehead was twitching. He was sweaty and filthy and royally pissed. I felt wonderful.

"That was so much fun, Greg. Really, thanks for playing," I said, patting him on the shoulder. "We'll definitely have to do it again sometime."

I half expected him to start screaming profanities or something, but he just kept glaring at me. I smiled sweetly back at him. It was only then, in the midst of my triumph, that I saw Olivia approaching from behind Greg. I knew instantly from the angry, confused expression on her face that she'd seen the whole thing and knew my being extra physical wasn't just part of the game.

_Shit_. I hadn't anticipated this. I just wanted her to see what an idiot and a loser he was, and now it looked like she was ready to defend him. I decided to beat a hasty retreat and find somewhere to hide, preferably someplace dark where I would never have to face Olivia. Ever.

I turned and almost jogged into the house, and with one quick look over my shoulder I saw Olivia put a hand on Greg's arm. The despair that I had tried to ignore earlier now became like a boulder in my stomach, and what was worse was the fact that it had ceased to be just about Duke and our problems and now included the anger Olivia had directed toward me. Not even when I was dressed as a guy and trying not to crush on my male roommate had I felt this upset and screwed up. The difficult emotional fallout of the Viola-Sebastian debacle was nothing compared to this.

My room upstairs was starting to look really good when Kia suddenly appeared out of nowhere and pulled me into an empty hallway with her.

_What now?_

Her forehead was creased with concern and worry. She was still holding onto my arm.

"What's the matter, Kia?" I asked, trying to move this, whatever this new wrench in the works was, along.

"I should be asking you that," she said in a serious tone.

I laughed it off. "Don't be silly, I'm fine—"

"If you were fine, you wouldn't have tried to kill Greg in front of everybody."

"I didn't—I wasn't—"

She arched an eyebrow at me and crossed her arms across her chest. "Oh, come on, Vi. You're being so totally obvious about it that I'm surprised Duke hasn't figured out what's going on."

Everything inside me suddenly went cold. _Obvious? Going on?_ "What do you mean?"

A sudden wave of sympathy took over her features, and she slowly and pityingly shook her head at me. "I'm also really surprised that you don't know what's going on, either."

A little voice in the depths of my mind was yelling at me that I knew exactly what was happening, but the other, louder voice was trying to hang onto being clueless. Ignorance of the truth was my last lifeline to my picture-perfect life, and I had it in a vise grip. I shrugged my shoulders and gaped helplessly at Kia.

"Viola…" she gently began. "I think you hate Greg because you're jealous of him and Olivia. Because you like her."

My stomach now felt like ice. "What? That's crazy."

"I'm not going to tell anybody, but I think you should figure this out before things with you and Duke get serious or something."

"How do you even know any of this? Not that I'm saying you're right, or anything," I sputtered, narrowing my eyes at her.

"I know you, and I also know a girl-crush when I see one. Although I'm pretty sure you have more than a crush on Olivia. And it's not really that crazy, Vi. I mean, she already has feelings for you that she's been carrying around, and you've been attracted to a girl before—"

"That was junior high!" I hissed at her, looking around to make sure no one had heard that. "And you and I both got over that. It has nothing to do with how I feel now."

"Whatever. The point is that it's happened before. And I think you know how you really feel about her, but you're just in some serious denial."

"You're really wrong here, Kia," I said in as firm a voice as I could, but in my head I was hearing myself talking about my…preferences with Olivia some months before:

_"And I've never—well, maybe not_ never _, but, like 98 percent of the time—I'm not usually attracted to…um…girls."_

I had said that, and it was the truth, but that didn't mean that Kia was right. Sure, I'd had some problems lately with keeping my feelings straight when it came to Olivia, but that didn't necessarily mean that I had _those_ feelings for her. So what if I had enjoyed kissing her? What did it matter that being near her sometimes gave me butterflies in my stomach? Who cares if I thought she was pretty? Forget that stupid hole in my heart. I was having trouble with my boyfriend, Olivia was my friend and I knew she liked me, and it must have confused me.

"If I'm so wrong, then why were you being such a bitch to Greg?"

I opened my mouth to vehemently insist that I was just looking out for Olivia, but I didn't get the chance. Olivia herself appeared next to me and took hold of my arm, quite painfully in fact. She flashed a strained smile at Kia before pulling me down the hall to the empty guest bedroom.

"Sorry Kia, but I need to ask Viola that same question. In private."

_Oh god._

I looked to Kia for help, but she just shrugged and watched, the worry once again creasing her brow.

Olivia gave me a push into the guest room and shut the door behind us. Immediately, she rounded on me, eyes still flashing with anger, confusion…and pain.

"What the hell was that, Viola?" she demanded, eyeing me expectantly.

"What?" I said, trying to play dumb. I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.

"What! You practically tried to kill Greg out there! You might as well have just used a baseball bat, for god's sake!"

"Well, he was asking for it!" I had now raised my voice to match her near-shouting level.

"How was he asking for it? What did he ever do to you?" She was really shouting now, and I will admit that I was pretty damn nervous. Olivia had never yelled at me like this before, and I was at a loss as to how to handle myself, especially in light of everything Kia had just said.

"This is not about me, it's about you!"

"How is this about me?" she said, her eyes widening in disbelief.

"You just don't seem to get what a creep that guy is, Olivia. Always staring at you, following you around. Just like Malcolm! How do you not see that?"

"I can't believe you," she said, quieter now, and that turned out to be worse than the yelling.

"Who knows what he's really after? I mean, he could just be trying to nail you so he can brag to all his disgusting friends about it. And you—you must be blind or something, because if you realized what a zero Greg is, you wouldn't be chatting him up after class and laughing at his stupid jokes, and you definitely wouldn't have brought him to this party!"

Something came over her then that I couldn't describe. It was a terrible mixture of frustration and a lot of pain. Tears had begun to form in her eyes.

"God, Viola," she choked out. "Why do you do this to me?"

"I don't—"

"I did it for you!" she half screamed, half sobbed at me. All the air went out of my lungs, and I found it very hard to breathe. "I was in love with you, and you had a boyfriend, so I tried to move on and get over you!"

"With Greg?" was all I could manage to say. She was really crying now, and I was terrified.

"Yes, with Greg! He's funny, and nice, and he likes me! You're with Duke, and I thought that if I could just find someone else, I might forget how I felt and then you wouldn't have to be uncomfortable anymore, and we could just be friends like always," she said, pressing a hand to her chest as she tried to calm down.

I was dumbstruck. All I could do was look at her. She was so vulnerable, so beautiful, and hurting so badly.

"Isn't this what you wanted? For me to go back to normal? I thought you would be happy that I was moving on, but it seems like I was wrong about you—again." She paused, trying to catch her breath. Her eyes pleaded with me. "I was only trying to make you happy."

_You do make me happy._

And right then, something inside me snapped, or broke, or collapsed like a tired old wall that couldn't keep Olivia out anymore. Or maybe it was just my heart tearing itself open and letting her in. Whatever it was, the truth of Kia's words only minutes before was now glaringly obvious. I was jealous of Greg. And that meant that I really did have feelings for the beautiful girl standing in front of me, trying to stop crying. I was never so scared in my whole life.

I stopped thinking completely and let instinct take control. Even though my body was trembling all over, there was no hesitation. I took her face in my hands, pulled her toward me, and kissed her, hard. She stood so still with shock for such a long time that I thought I might have a heart attack from the fright it gave me, but then she started to kiss me back. Rational thought and reason disappeared, and all I could think or feel or smell or taste or care about was Olivia and her lips on mine. She had kissed me before, but this was entirely different from that.

Then, I hadn't felt this kind of excitement and pure, untainted happiness. The way she was kissing me, I could tell she was pretty damn excited too. She tasted like cherry lip gloss and something minty. Hands were everywhere: my back, her waist, her hair, my neck, my hips, her face, her stomach—somehow, my fingers ended up inching toward the string that tied her halter around her neck, and a chill shot up and down my spine when I felt her hand on the skin of my lower back underneath my shirt.

I was somewhat familiar with sex by now. Justin and I had done it a couple times, and it had been kind of unpleasant. Duke and I had gotten close to doing it a few times, but I never felt ready. Now, breaking the contact of our mouths so I could kiss along Olivia's jaw line and down to her neck, I wanted her like I'd never wanted anyone before. That made me panic a little bit. My rational brain was coming back, urging me to slow down before we did anything too permanent.

But I couldn't stop. Ignoring the part of me that couldn't believe what I was doing, I let my hands roam over the smooth, bare skin of her back and held her as close to me as possible. She was so soft and she smelled so good, and with her body pressed against mine, I felt like I was on fire in the best way possible. Olivia pulled me up from where I was kissing every inch of her neck and covered my mouth with hers once more. Kissing Duke in the beginning had felt something like this, but I never imagined that kissing Olivia would surpass that feeling. Every move she made was deliberate and meaningful, like she was trying to put all of her feelings into each kiss and each caress. I understood the meaning of 'passion' in a way I never had before. She kissed me and held me close with an intensity that I did everything I could to match.

Eventually, we had to stop to breathe. She had her arms around my neck, and her forehead rested against mine. I kept my arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been wanting to do that?" she said in a voice just above a whisper. We were both breathing hard, and it made talking somewhat difficult.

"Since we met six months ago?" I replied just as softly, smiling at her.

She giggled and smiled her happy smile. "Yeah."

I wanted to stay like that forever, but the reality of what had just happened was starting to sink in. My mind began racing, trying to make sense of it.

_What does this mean? What do we do now?_

The next thought hit me like blow to the head.

_Oh my god, what do I tell Duke?_

Olivia and I were still wrapped up in each other when the door to the guest room opened.

"Hey Viola, we're gonna cut the cake—" My brother stopped dead in the middle of his sentence. Olivia and I flew apart and to opposite ends of the room, quickly trying to rearrange our clothes and hair, but the damage had been done.

We both stared at Sebastian in terrified silence, waiting in agony for his reaction. His mouth had fallen open, and he was slowly looking back and forth between Olivia and me. Finally, he spoke.

"Whoa," was all he said, and a slow smile began to spread across his face.


	6. Chapter 6

My brother had walked in on me making out with someone before. There were several times when Sebastian barged into my room when I was with Justin, and there were plenty of moments when Duke and I thought Sebastian would be out of the dorm room for hours, but were unfortunately mistaken. At least Sebastian never caught me and Duke doing anything…horizontal. Regardless, I'm used to my brother interrupting my various romantic entanglements. It's just his way.

Never in my life did I think that Sebastian would ever walk in on me and another girl. The fact that the girl would be Olivia Lennox was another thing I was unprepared for. Yet here we were, the three of us, and Sebastian staring at Olivia and me, having just caught us with our arms around each other in a very compromising position. My brother, my brother's ex-girlfriend, and me. Everything, even the air in the room, seemed to stop moving.

By the time it registered with me that Sebastian was actually smiling--not a big smile, but still--he was backing out of the room.

"Uh…okay. I'll just tell Mom to hold off on the cake for a couple minutes," he said as casually as possible. Before stepping all the way into the hall, his face became more serious, and he looked pointedly at me. "Duke doesn't want to blow out his candles without you, Vi."

He silently closed the door, leaving Olivia and me alone in the room with his last words in our ears and the evidence of what we had just done still burning on our lips and all over our bodies.

I put a hand over my mouth and turned away from Olivia so that I was facing the door. I started shaking again, and the thought of Duke waiting for me out there so we could sing happy birthday to him made me feel nauseated. _I just cheated on my boyfriend._ I cheated on my boyfriend with Olivia, of all people. Duke trusted me and loved me, and I very nearly got seriously hot and heavy with our mutual friend, the girl he used to crush on, the girl who used to date his roommate. It was ironic, really. Duke mistakenly believed I had betrayed him with Olivia once before when he thought I was Sebastian, and now that I was Viola and also Duke's girlfriend, I actually had betrayed him with Olivia.

And I wanted to do it again. Even though I wasn't looking at her, I could feel Olivia watching me, waiting to see what I would do. A large part of me wanted to chuck Duke out the window completely, wrap myself around Olivia, and kiss her until I passed out or died from lack of oxygen. I was still too shocked and scared to know if what I was feeling was as serious as the love Olivia obviously felt for me, but I knew at a very basic level that I needed her and wanted her and cared about her very much.

But Duke was waiting for me outside that room. Beyond the door I was staring at was the real world, the one in which I was Duke's girlfriend, the one where I could very easily break Duke's heart into a billion pieces if I did what I so badly wanted to do. My face began to burn, and Olivia made a small, throat-clearing noise behind me. I knew I had to turn around, look at her face, deal with this—but I wasn't sure I could.

"Viola," she said in a quiet voice.

With an inhuman effort, I turned to face her and let my hand fall away from my face. She was looking right at me, and though I half expected her to be crying again, her eyes were dry. There was something hard, almost cold in them too, like she was steeling herself for something.

It's funny. The situation was incredibly complicated, and anybody looking at the knotted mess would think that all of my possible choices were difficult and full of grey areas, but I looked at Olivia's eyes and I knew. My choices were very simple. Be with Duke and break Olivia's heart, or be with Olivia and break Duke's heart. They weren't great choices, but they were clear. In the face of all that clarity, I panicked. _I'm not ready for this._

"Olivia, I…" I swallowed and tore my eyes away from hers. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't," she interrupted forcefully, and I detected more than a hint of anger in her voice. "Don't say it."

"What—"

"Don't say that this was a mistake, or that you were confused. Don't tell me you want to forget this ever happened." She began moving toward the door, and I didn't stop her. When she had one hand on the doorknob, she stopped. She spoke again, more gently now. "I get that this is Duke's party, and he's waiting for you. I know you're scared. I am too. I didn't plan for this to happen, and I know you didn't either. But it did happen, and I need you to tell me that it means something, Viola."

She waited for me to say or do something, but I felt frozen. Even if I had the ability to speak, it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't know what to say. She wanted me to choose, right then and there, and I was too afraid to make the decision that would break someone's heart.

So I said nothing. Olivia's shoulders sagged with a weariness that I wasn't used to seeing in her. She opened the door, sighing softly. Sounds of laughter and music immediately filled the guest room.

"Fine," she said in a barely audible voice. "I knew it was too good to be true. I don't know why I expected anything else from you anyway."

And then she was gone, and my brain came alive again, screaming _NO_ , over and over. This couldn't be happening. Robotically, I walked through my mom's house until I found Duke. He was standing in the middle of a large clump of people in the dining room. He caught my eye, and his whole face lit up. He extended a long arm and pulled me closer to him. My mother came into the room, balancing a large cake with a frosting soccer ball on it and eighteen burning candles stuck in it. We sang, and I think I even heard my own voice singing with everyone else. We finished the song, and Duke blew out all the candles on his first try. Everybody cheered, and Duke leaned down and kissed me. I responded and smiled and hugged him back, like any good girlfriend would.

But what I really wanted was to find someplace to lie down and die. I know that sounds melodramatic, but that's how it felt. It seemed impossible that only ten minutes before, I was kissing Olivia and feeling so happy that I didn't know what to do with it. But that had happened in some fantasy world where there was only me and Olivia, and no Duke to consider. There wasn't a good solution here. No matter what I did, someone would be hurt. The same instincts that prompted me to kiss Olivia were now telling me to detach, to shut down, and not to think about it.

I got through the rest of the party that way. I smiled at the right times, laughed when I needed to, and stuck close to Duke. I wasn't looking for her, but Olivia seemed to have disappeared. So had Greg. Duke drove me back to my dorm, thanked me for the watch, and kissed me goodnight. I didn't think about the possibility that Duke might know something was wrong. I didn't think about what I was going to tell him. When I thought at all, it was only about Olivia and the way she had felt in my arms. And the hard look in her eyes. And the sad, exhausted way she left the room.

I thanked god for allowing me to have a single. At least I didn't have a roommate to try and explain things to. I was about to collapse on my bed and sleep for a week when I remembered that Wednesday was Valentine's Day. I was sure Duke would have something big planned. The most romantic day of the year, and I might be breaking up with him. And if I didn't break up with him, I would lose Olivia for good.

As this knowledge sank in, I felt my eyes start to burn. I was never much of crier, not even when I was little. So when I pressed my face into my pillow and cried so hard I could barely breathe, it was only for something like the sixth time in my entire life.

\----------------------------

I didn't see her at all the next day. Not before school, not between classes, not at lunch, and not in Mr. McCoy's class. I was relieved, but it wasn't like her to skip a class. So, I felt even worse. Now I was causing her to cut classes, and soon her education would disintegrate, and it would be completely my fault. It was an idiotic and presumptuous thing for me to think, but I was already so distraught that I couldn't help it.

I took no notes during McCoy's lesson. I held the pen tightly, the tip hovering over the paper but never actually making contact. Greg was there, and in his usual seat. He glanced back at me a couple times, and I expected him to still be pissed at me, but his looks were always blank, empty of feeling. I honestly didn't care what he thought of me, anyway. The second I learned that Olivia didn't really like him, that she was only spending time with him to try and move on from me, most of my hatred for Greg subsided. I still didn't trust him with Olivia, but after Sunday night's events, I didn't know if I trusted me with her either.

It took me several seconds to realize that the bell had rung, and it was time to go. I slowly loaded my things into my backpack and shuffled out to the hall. I felt like a zombie all day. I'm sure people noticed, but I didn't care.

I felt a hand descend on my shoulder, a male hand, and unfamiliar. I turned to see who it was, and all the zombie sluggishness was blasted away by sheer surprise. Greg was standing there with a slight frown. What could he possibly want?

He cleared his throat and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. His eyes darted back and forth between my eyes and the floor.

"Look," he began gruffly. "Olivia didn't say much, but…"

I had the sudden ridiculous worry that he was challenging me for her hand, and at any moment he would take out his riding gloves and slap me across the face with them. There would be paces, pistols, seconds, everything. We would duel to the death over Olivia Lennox.

"I get it," he said curtly, yanking me out of my insane fantasy. "I get why you kicked my ass yesterday."

My eyes widened.

"Don't look so shocked," he said, smiling grimly. "I'm not braindead. And like I said, Olivia didn't say a lot, but…she said enough. And I just want to say…no hard feelings."

I must have looked shocked again, because he shook his head and kept smiling.

"If things were the other way around, and you were a guy—I would have done the same thing."

"Oh," was all that came out of my mouth.

He cleared his throat again and took a step back, getting ready to end the awkwardness. "I, uh, don't know what's happening with you—with you guys now, but…just don't hurt her. Okay?"

I nodded dumbly. He nodded back and moved further away from me.

"See ya 'round." Then he turned and trudged down the hall.

My feet took root in the floor, and I didn't move for a long time.

\---------------------------

What goes around damn well comes around. Don't ever let anyone tell you that it isn't true.

Tuesday, the next day, I didn't see her. I didn't have any classes with her on Tuesdays or Thursdays, so it wasn't that surprising. But not seeing her anywhere in school was starting to worry me, and Duke dropping "subtle" hints about the impending Valentine's Day celebrations wasn't helping. I knew I had to do something soon, but Olivia's disappearance and Duke's enthusiasm for our romantic evening together made me retreat from reality even further.

Olivia was nowhere to be found during school on Wednesday either. Greg was in McCoy's class, but this time he didn't look at me or talk to me. Our business was finished, it seemed. As I made my way to the exit after the final bell released us from captivity, I expected Duke to come find me and walk me out, like always. When he didn't, I remembered that this was Valentine's Day, and Duke was probably off preparing for tonight.

_I am so screwed._

I didn't know how I was going to get through a romantic evening with everything hanging over my head. I guess I hoped that when I arrived at the moment with Duke, that special Valentine's Day moment when 'I love you' is said and promises are exchanged, I would know what the right thing to do was. I would know which person to choose. I would know which heart to break.

Sunshine from outside was coming in through the front entrance of Illyria, and my legs mechanically carried me toward it. It was then that karma came full circle, and two hands closed around my right arm and tugged me hard into an empty classroom. I was pushed up against a wall, and the door shut with a sound thud. Olivia let go of my arm and took a few steps back to put some distance between us.

She looked me straight in the eye, unafraid. The last time I saw her, she had been crying, and her hair and clothes were kind of mussed from all the kissing and groping we did. Now, she was perfectly put together in a tank top and tight jeans. Her hair was pulled up in a flawless ponytail, and I caught the shimmer of cherry lip gloss on her mouth. I swallowed, my knees weakening. She looked _good._ I could see immediately that she had something to say, so there was no need for me to scramble for words.

_Thank god._

"Don't worry, I'm not locking you in," she said evenly, eyes never leaving mine. "I need to say something, and then I'll let you go."

I nodded and waited.

"You probably noticed I wasn't in school the past few days." The corner of her mouth quirked up in a bitter half smile, and she finally looked away from me. "I wasn't doing so well. This whole thing has been really screwed up, but I'm sure you know that already.

"But I realized this morning that I can't let this run my life. At some point, I just have to get past it. I mean, I can't not go to school. And I don't want to cry ever, ever again. I can't even tell you how tired of crying I am." She paused shake her head in sad amusement at herself. "I know you have a lot to figure out, so I want to make this really clear for you."

She paused to catch my eye again, and there was no trace of the cold hardness there. Now, her eyes were bright with hope and determination.

"I want to be with you, Viola," she said without a trace of hesitation. "I need to be with you. And I think—I think you want to be with me, too. You might still be too afraid to admit it, but I know the kiss meant something to you. It definitely meant something to me. And that's why…"

Here she faltered, the first sign of how much sheer emotion was behind all the words. My heart began to ache inside me. She took a breath and started again.

"That's why I can't just be your friend anymore. Not after you kissed me and touched me like that. Not after I was so close to you. I could never go back to watching you be with someone else when I know that you feel this too," she said, moving closer to me. My heart threatened to beat right out of my chest. She dropped her voice to a near whisper. "I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum, but this is how it is. And I don't want you to rush into a decision. When you're ready, you'll either choose to stay with Duke, and I'll fade quietly out of your life…or you'll tell me that you want to be together because you need me the same way I need you."

She was awfully close now. I could smell her perfume, and practically taste her lips again.

"So take your time with your decision, Viola," she said, brushing my cheek with her fingertips. "I'm waiting for you."

Then she leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips, lingering for only a few seconds before she pulled back just enough so that our mouths were just barely touching.

"I love you," she whispered. And then she let go of me and walked out of the room, leaving me standing alone against the wall.

My knees buckled, and I slid slowly down the wall until I was sitting awkwardly on the floor. _She loves me. She loves me._

It was simultaneously the best and worst moment of my whole life so far.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note! Sorry for the couple perspective shifts from Viola first-person to Olivia third-person late in the chapter. I know it's weird, but I needed to do it, lol.

I must have sat on the floor for fifteen minutes at least. I might have been longer if my phone hadn't rung and startled me half to death. Swallowing down the anxiety at the sight of the caller ID, I answered the phone.

_"Hey, babe. You ready to be dazzled tonight?"_

"Hi, Duke," I said, desperately trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. "Can't wait."

_"I'm coming by your room at six to pick you up, so be ready. And maybe wear that red dress I like so much."_

His playful mood helped me calm down some, and I managed a laugh. "No promises, bud."

_"It's cool. I love surprises. See you at six, Vi."_

He hung up, and I wondered if he would be getting more than one surprise tonight. Shuddering, I picked myself up off the cold linoleum and tried to push all of it, all the crap, out of my mind, but it wasn't easy. Everything I tried to think about brought me right back to the blaringly loud truth that had invaded my mind and wouldn't leave: choose.

I decided to wear the red dress because it would make Duke happy.

_Choose._

I would have to take a shower as soon as I got back to my room if I wanted to curl my hair. Also, there was that new lipstick I'd wanted to try.

_Choose._

I shut myself in my room and took the dress out of the closet. It really was a hot dress. No wonder Duke went crazy for it. Despite myself, I absentmindedly mused that Olivia would probably go crazy for it, too.

_CHOOSE._

By the time six o'clock came around, I was looking damn good in the red dress, my makeup was perfect, and my hair was nicely curled. And I felt like exploding. I almost didn't even trust myself to open my mouth at any point during the evening because of what might come out of it. I didn't know if the first thing I said to Duke when he came to pick me up was going to be "hi honey, Happy V-Day," or "sorry babe, we have to call it quits."

When Duke knocked on my door at 6:02 PM and I let him in, his mouth fell open as he checked me out in my dress and didn't at all try to hide how much he was staring. I couldn't help smiling at his very obvious appreciation of me in my red dress.

"Wow. I mean, d-damn," he stammered. "You look—amazing."

"Thanks, Duke. You don't look too bad either," I said, indicating his nice charcoal suit and blushing a little at all the flattery.

"Stop blushing. That's lame," he said, leaning toward me with a mischievous grin. I smacked him lightly on the chest and pulled him out of the room.

_Here we go…_

\----------------------------

"Tell me again why we're going to see a sappy romantic movie?"

Kia snorted. "So we can remind ourselves how sad and alone we are. Duh."

"Ah, yes. How stupid of me to forget," sighed Paul, putting an arm around the blonde girl next to him in line for movie tickets. She was checking her watch again. Kia noticed her doing this and put a hand over the watch face.

"Stop torturing yourself," she said sympathetically. "Trying to guess what she's doing every five minutes is only gonna make it suck that much more."

Olivia's face fell, and she slumped against Paul, who squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

"I know, you're right," she said, trying to smile. "Plus, I promised myself I would try not to spend the rest of my life being sad about this."

"So of course, we take you to see a cheesy movie about love on Valentine's Day so you'll feel better!" Paul exclaimed with jovial sarcasm. Kia and Olivia laughed.

"No, this helps," Olivia said, smiling at Paul and Kia. "Believe me."

Yes, being with friends on Valentine's Day when the person you love is with someone else is a much better alternative to being alone. Olivia definitely knew this. She just wished she knew for sure if she'd ever be able to stop thinking about where Viola was right now, what she was doing, how she was feeling, what she was thinking…

Olivia checked her watch again, ignoring the sad look that came over Kia's face when she did it. It was 6:34 PM on Wednesday, February 14th. Valentine's Day.

And Viola Hastings, the person Olivia loved, was probably out to a nice dinner with her boyfriend, Duke Orsino. They might already be seated at their table. Viola might have already decided to stay with Duke, and Olivia might already be a fading memory.

Olivia closed her eyes and breathed deeply. The ticket line moved forward, and she tore her mind away from Viola just long enough to put one foot in front of the other. It was all she could do.

\----------------------------

We'd been sitting down at our table for ten minutes, and I still could not get over how nice the restaurant was. It had some sophisticated French name, and the menus were covered with yet more sophisticated French. I was starting to regret taking only Spanish in high school.

"Um, what's this mean?" I said to Duke in a low voice, surreptitiously pointing to an item on my menu.

He frowned at it for a second. "I think that's chicken."

"Oh."

The silence hung in the air for a while longer as we tried to decipher our menus. I wondered if this was how Duke had pictured this night going. All I knew was that whether it was chicken or not, I wouldn't be eating it. My stomach was so knotted up that I didn't expect to ever eat again.

A snooty-looking waiter came over and took our order. At least he spoke perfect English. Duke pointed to the chicken thing and said we'd both have "that." I had to smile. It was a clever way to avoid pronouncing it wrong. The waiter glanced coldly at both of us before stiffly marching away. Duke sipped from his crystal water goblet and grinned at me.

"What do you think got up his butt?" he said quietly, laughing a little bit.

"He's just upset because he hasn't had a date in about ten years," I said, trying hard not to laugh too much. I felt weird about laughing out loud in this fancy French place full of people my parents would be friends with. In fact, there actually were a few Junior Leaguers in the restaurant that evening, but I didn't tell Duke that. He obviously wanted this to be an impressive, romantic evening, and I didn't want to ruin it for him.

Unless I opened my mouth and "we need to break up" came flying out. That would probably kill the mood pretty damn quick. All the humor went out of the situation, and I was again painfully aware of the knots in my stomach. I leaned my head against my hand and closed my eyes. I desperately wanted to know what Olivia was doing tonight and how she was feeling. She seemed okay when she left me stunned and paralyzed in that classroom earlier in the day, but appearances can be deceiving. I should know.

Was she alone? Was she sad? Was she already trying to forget about me? My mind raced with thoughts of her that I couldn't seem to slow down. I thought back to when I first met her. I was so freaked out about keeping my female-ness a secret and wired from tryouts and my bizarre meeting with Principal Gold that I barely registered how beautiful she was. It was later in the cafeteria when I learned that Duke had a major crush on Olivia that I really looked at her and saw why. And now that gorgeous face was all I could think about.

I was still thinking about her when I realized that Duke had been talking to me, and probably for quite a while. He was staring at me, waiting for me to answer him.

_Did he ask me a question?_

"I'm sorry, what?" I said apologetically, feeling awful. "What did you say?"

Duke's face fell, as his stare became one of disbelief. "You didn't hear anything I just said?"

I shook my head sadly. "I'm sorry, I was…thinking, and I guess I spaced out a little." I'm sure I must have looked as anguished as I felt because Duke did the only thing he could to try and stop the downward death spiral of this Valentine's Day evening.

"You know what, it's cool. I can say all that stuff I just said about us and how I feel about you and everything just as easily with this—" And he pulled out a small red velvet box with a red ribbon tied around it. "I don't have to say it out loud."

He handed the box to me across the table and smiled.

_Oh god, just kill me now._

I took the box, feeling sick. His warm eyes were on me, watching me for my reaction to what was undoubtedly a very expensive and very heartfelt gift. I steadied my hand and carefully untied the ribbon. After a second of hesitation, I opened the lid. Inside the red box was a beautiful silver bracelet. I gaped at it like an idiot. I know Duke wanted me to look up at him, show him the happy reaction that would tell him I loved him too and this relationship was going to last, but I couldn't do it. Gazing at this wonderful gift that must have cost him a lot of money, that he clearly put all his feelings behind, I knew in a sudden unhappy moment that I didn't love him anymore, at least not in the way I used to. I would have to tell him that it was over after he had gone to all this trouble and gotten me this perfect bracelet.

I felt so overwhelmed with guilt at how bad this would make him feel and sadness that our relationship was really over that I started crying. Not bawling or anything, but there were definitely tears falling steadily from my eyes. I still couldn't make eye contact with Duke, and I fleetingly thought that he might assume I was crying happy tears.

He didn't. In fact, he seemed to know right away what was happening. I heard him let out a long sigh, and I finally found the balls to look at him. He shook his head sadly, and he suddenly seemed exhausted. He began gesturing, like he was trying to find the right way to say something difficult.

He sighed again. "Viola…"

I sniffled.

"You know, I really thought that if I just made Valentine's Day perfect, we could get back to where we used to be," he said in a low, calm voice. He smiled ruefully. "I've been watching you slip away from me for a long time, and I tried to hold on. But when we're together, you're just not _with_ me. I don't know where you are, but it's not with me. Maybe it was soccer ending or…I don't know. I just—I know I can't hold onto you anymore. I have to let go." He took a deep breath and looked down at the tablecloth. "It sucks to do this on Valentine's Day, but…I think we should break up."

I couldn't believe my ears. If it weren't such a gut-wrenching moment, I would have laughed at the irony. I fretted the whole night about breaking up with Duke, and it turned out he beat me to the punch.

He nervously cleared his throat. "And besides, I get the feeling that I'm—that I'm not—" He stopped and gave me an intense look that made my mouth go dry. _He knows about me and Olivia_ flashed through my shell-shocked mind. He cleared his throat again, and his voice dropped so low I almost couldn't hear him. "You should be with someone you love, and I don't think that's me anymore."

More tears blurred my vision, and I couldn't see his face. It's just as well. It killed me to see him hurt. I might not be in love with him anymore, but I still loved him like the best friend he was. Fear grabbed hold of me and squeezed. Duke might not want to stay friends, and I didn't know if I could deal with that.

"Duke," I whispered, wiping at the tears so I could see his face again. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded and looked away so I wouldn't see the bitterness in his expression, but I saw it anyway.

"I know you're gonna ask me if we can still be friends," he said, a muscle twitching in his jaw. My heart skipped a beat. "And I don't want to lie to you, so all I can say is I don't know."

My heart was being strangled.

"Only time will tell, as they say," he said with a wry smile. Neither of us said anything for a little while, and eventually he reached across the table and took the little red box out of my hands. "You should go."

"Duke, I—"

"Viola, go. Go find—" He faltered and swallowed hard. "Go find her."

Despite the sadness of the whole thing, hearing those words from Duke lifted a weight that felt like two tons off my shoulders, and I suddenly felt so light that I could have floated up to the ceiling. I looked into his eyes and tried to tell him everything I couldn't say out loud. He blinked and nodded curtly.

"I'll see you around, Viola." He straightened up in his chair and squared his shoulders.

I tentatively reached across the table and put my hand on his for a couple seconds before pulling it back and slowly standing up. I wiped at my eyes again, but it didn't matter. Duke wasn't looking at me anyway. I stood there stupidly for a minute, not sure how to leave this. Finally, I settled for the most simple option.

"Bye, Duke," I said quietly, and then I turned and left.

Standing outside, I realized that I didn't have a car. I got out my phone and feverishly called for a cab. I wanted to get back to my room and process what had just happened. I had no idea where Olivia was right then, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see her tonight anyway. It seemed a little insane to get out of one relationship and get into another all in the same evening.

The cab took forever, but it finally drove up to meet me. I tried not to picture Duke sitting alone in the fancy French restaurant as I got into the car and told the driver to take me to Illyria. Instead, I allowed myself to think about Olivia and how I felt about her, and for the first time ever, I didn't feel guilty about it. I felt like I could get out of the cab and fly home.

\---------------------------

"I've never felt better about walking out of a movie," said Paul, pulling into Illyria's main driveway and heading for Olivia's dorm. The romantic comedy had proven to be a terrible movie in addition to being a depressing choice for three unhappily single people on Valentine's Day. They had sat through about half an hour before giving up and going home. Paul was dropping Olivia off first. Then he would drop Kia off and finally go home to wallow in a pint of Ben & Jerry's and maybe watch old episodes of "Remington Steele." Pierce Brosnan always seemed to cheer him up.

As he pulled up in front of Olivia's dorm, all three of them noticed who was waiting by the front door. She looked like she'd been crying, and her eye makeup was a little smudged, but she was wearing a killer red dress. Paul gave Olivia an encouraging nudge, but she was frozen. This could be the moment when everything ended for her and Viola.

It was a small, burning hope that helped Olivia get out of the car and walk toward Viola, a hope that maybe this wasn't the end. Maybe it was the beginning.

Just maybe.


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't exactly mean to do it. I told my feet to take me to my room so I could think and sort it all out. But of course, my feet told me to screw off. They were going to do what they had to do, so they took me from the cab all the way to Olivia's dorm. Standing outside the front door, I knew she probably wouldn't be in her room, but I called all the same. Just as I thought, no one was there. I thought about calling her cell, but the idea of saying all the things that needed to be said over the phone felt really wrong, so that was out. I didn't know where she was, so I couldn't very well go to her. So, because there simply wasn't another option, I waited. I didn't know how long I would be standing around outside, waiting for her to come back, but it didn't seem to matter at all. I would wait until next Sunday or next month or next year if I had to. I needed to see her, and nothing my good sense could say would talk me out of it. I was prepared to wait forever.

I hadn't been standing there for very long at all when I noticed a VW beetle that looked very much like Paul's pull up at the curb several short feet away. I could see Paul in the driver's seat, Kia in the back, and Olivia at shotgun. All three of them were gaping at me like I had a basket of fruit balanced on my head or an ear of corn up my nose. I suddenly wondered what I must look like, having come directly from my breakup with Duke. _Probably as red and swollen as a balloon_ , I thought with horror. Olivia opened her door, and I tried to quickly but nonchalantly wipe at my eyes and face.

But seeing how Olivia was looking at me as she carefully got out of Paul's car and came closer to me, I realized it didn't matter what I looked like. It definitely didn't matter to Olivia. She just seemed surprised to see me, and a little scared of what was going to happen. I don't blame her. If I were in her position, I'd be shaking in my boots. But the last thing I wanted was for Olivia to be afraid of me. I was impatient to tell her that she didn't have to be scared or sad or confused anymore.

Even so, as the distance separating us disappeared, I wasn't prepared for how nervous I got. She was beautiful, and her eyes never once left mine. I could almost feel, like a physical wave washing over me, how much she loved me. Love radiated from her soft, hopeful gaze and every single graceful movement of her body as she came nearer and nearer. And then she was right there, an arm's length away from me, and I discovered that I couldn't speak. _Great goddamn timing, brain._ I had all these fabulous words that I thought up in the cab, and now they had all abandoned me. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Olivia might not get that I was annoyed at Viola and not at her.

"Hi," she said in a tentative way, like she wasn't sure yet if she could let herself be happy. "What are you doing here?"

I swallowed and opened my mouth. _Where_ are _those words?_

"I um, thought you'd be out with Duke tonight," Olivia continued when I didn't say anything. The tremor in her voice made it clear just how hard it was for her to say that, not knowing what I was going to tell her.

And suddenly there were words. "I was. I'm not anymore." Not great words, but words just the same.

"Oh," she said evenly, trying to keep her composure, but I could see that this was torture for her.

"Olivia, listen. Duke and I—" and right then, I got a big, fat drop of water in my eye. I blinked uncomfortably and looked up—and got another drop on my forehead. I looked back at Olivia, who seemed to have stopped breathing while she waited for me to finish my sentence, and the whole sky opened up. Rain began to fall in sheets and hammered the roofs of buildings and cars in the parking lot.

_Great. Perfect._

I shook my fist at the sky. "Could you be any more of a cliché right now?" I yelled at the rain. "I'm trying to have a conversation here!"

Olivia laughed a little, and I laughed too. We were both already half soaked by now, and her hair was wet through and clinging to her forehead in little tendrils. She smiled at me and reached out to touch my bare shoulder.

"You'll freeze!" she said in a loud voice so I could hear her over the rain. Her hand rested lightly on my upper arm, and that was it for me. I gently pulled her toward me by her elbow until she was close enough that I could see the pretty blue of her eyes.

"I'm fine. Rain's kinda warm," I said, smiling. Her breathing started to speed up, and I knew if I didn't say everything right now, she might collapse under the pressure. "Duke and I are over. We've been over for a long time. We just finally figured it out."

Hope like I'd never seen in her flared in her eyes, but she needed more from me. She needed to know. So I said the only thing that made sense.

"I'm here right now because—" I grabbed her hand and held on tight, ignoring the rain running down my face. "Because I need you the same way you need me. Because I want to be together."

She closed her eyes for a second, and even though it was raining and we were drenched, I could tell she was crying, but in a good way.

"I need to be with you, Olivia. I know this seems rushed and kind of insane, but I don't care. I know this is what I want, that you are the one I want, and I don't want to wait anymore," I said. She looked into my eyes and her face broke into the biggest, most gorgeous happy smile I could have asked for. With a truly adorable giggle, she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me so hard that she almost knocked me over. I wrapped my arms as far around her as they would go, and I think I even forgot to breathe for a few seconds. It was sort of a perfect moment, holding onto Olivia in the rain, like out of an old romantic comedy that ends really well. Something with Meg Ryan, maybe.

She loosened her hold on me and pulled back a little, and I thought with a flip in my stomach that she was going to kiss me. I realized then how badly I'd been dying to kiss her again, and I was a little disappointed when she didn't lean in like I'd hoped. Instead, she looked at me with a worried expression and let her hands slide down my arms until she was holding both my hands.

"What?" I said, confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I just—" She looked scared again, like any second it was all going to disappear, and it would be like none of it ever happened. "Are you sure you want to do this? Be in a relationship with me, I mean? If we're going to be together, I don't want to hide it or sneak around. It won't be easy, you know…some people won't understand. And I just want to make sure—that you're okay with that."

She was terrified that I would suddenly remember that not everyone is cool with same-sex relationships and take off running. I grinned at her.

"Liv, remember who you're talking to? Everyone knows I'm the girl who cross-dresses and plays for the guys' soccer team. Since when do I have any kind of reputation to worry about?" I said, smiling and shaking my head. I reached up and smoothed her wet hair back from her forehead and then held her face in my hands, lightly brushing my thumb over her cheek. "Besides. I don't care what anyone thinks about us."

"I don't care either," she said softly. Then she gave me a half smile. "How do I know I'm not just your rebound girl?"

She was joking on the outside, but I could hear the worry underneath. She was so afraid to put her heart into this and then have me get cold feet or change my mind and leave her alone again. Touching her face and seeing her eyes, I suddenly knew something that I simply hadn't been ready to know before. But now there it was, clear as day and bursting to get out in the open.

"You are not my rebound girl," I said seriously, "because I love you, Olivia. I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered so quietly I almost couldn't hear her over the rain.

And then I was kissing her, and not just her lips, but her forehead too, her cheeks, her eyes. Her hands were spread over my back, pressing me as close to her as possible. And we stood there, kissing in the rain, for a very long time, and not giving a damn who saw or what anyone thought. We were free, free to be happy. Happy and together.

It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever felt.

\---------------------------

It only took about a week for the entire school to be informed of the changes in my personal life. Olivia and I got more stares and whispers than before, but not a whole lot more. Just like I thought, once people got over the novelty ("They're together? Are you serious?"), they pretty much went back to treating me like they normally would. I was weird before, and being with a girl didn't make me anything but still weird. I was way more worried about Olivia and what some of the thoughtless people at Illyria might do to her, but people mostly left her alone, the only exception being all the horny guys who found her even more attractive than before because now all their girl-on-girl fantasies were coming true. Every time she had to endure another lewd comment from some asshole, I felt like I was on fire, it made me so furious.

But what was more terrible than the occasional closed-minded jerk making trouble was the way Duke had completely cut off contact with me—with both of us, really. Sometimes when he would walk right past and purposefully not make eye contact, I felt a little like my heart was being strangled. Every time I tried to talk to him, he avoided me or told me he still needed time. So I stopped trying and decided to wait until he was ready to either be friends again or tell me he never wanted to see me again. And waiting sucked.

But I had Olivia. And it's funny, because even though so many things had changed, some things were exactly the same. It was still absolutely impossible to concentrate or pay attention in McCoy's class when Olivia was sitting in front of me, looking and smelling the way she did. More than once, I had to fight the urge to sweep everything off my desk and throw her down on it. I think she wore that certain perfume on purpose. Damn that perfect, gorgeous girl.

It was two weeks after Valentine's Day, and the bell rang to release us from our educational prison. I followed Olivia out of the classroom, ignoring the obvious stare of a freshman boy passing by.

"You'd think they'd at least try to be discreet," Olivia sighed, taking my arm and walking with me toward the afternoon sunlight outside.

"Don't be silly. Staring at us is only fun when we know everyone is staring. Being discreet just sucks all the excitement out of it," I said brightly, giving her a wink.

She smiled at me, looking lovely, and then she saw something across the hall that made her smile fade into an expression of wistful sadness.

"What?" I said, turning around to look at whatever it was that had killed the mood.

_Duke._

There he was, walking in our direction. His head was down as he rummaged through his bag for something, and when he looked back up, our eyes locked. He wasn't expecting it, so we just looked at each other for a couple empty seconds. Then he blinked and turned away for the twentieth time that week, and the sensation that someone was strangling my heart came back again. Then I felt her hand slip into mine, and our fingers laced together like it was something we'd been doing for years, and it made me think that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just go with it. ;)

"God, this line is long," Jake grumbled to himself. The line definitely hadn't been this long last year. It was so long, he couldn't even see the kissing booth yet. It didn't matter, though. Jake didn't care if he missed every other thing at this carnival. He would wait in this line as long as it took. The only reason a self-respecting teenage boy comes to a Junior League carnival anyway is for the kissing booth. Jake had three tickets in his hand, and he was ready.

He'd waited in a long line last year, and right when he was at the front of the line and _this close_ to kissing one of the hottest girls he'd ever seen, two morons started a fight and ruined everything. This year, Jake was a year older and a year taller, and he was going to kiss a hot girl today if it killed him.

Half an hour went by, and now Jake could just see the booth. He still couldn't see the girl in it, but he was sure she would be just as amazing as the one last year. She'd have to be for the line to be this freaking long. In fact, the longer Jake waited, the more sure he was that this was the most beautiful girl who had ever lived, and kissing her would be something to brag about to his friends for the rest of their lives.

Finally, at long last, the number of people in front of him dwindled to just one. The guy was so large that Jake couldn't see anything that was happening in the booth unless he poked his head under one of the guys sweaty armpits, and Jake definitely wasn't impatient enough to do that. After the longest three minutes of his life, the big guy stepped aside to let Jake walk up to the booth.

His eyes almost bugged out of his head. There, sitting side-by-side in the booth and smiling at him was the hot blonde girl _and_ the hot brown-haired girl from last year's carnival.

"Oh my god. Two," he breathed, his mouth falling open. He handed the painfully hot blonde girl his three tickets, and then he began to march toward glory. The moment had arrived. But just as he was starting to pucker up and lean toward the smiling blonde, the other girl put a hand out to give him a gentle shove back.

"Sorry, bud. Nobody kisses my girlfriend but me," she said, grinning.

Jake felt like his hair was on fire. "WHAT? Wh—how—but—then why the HELL did I wait in this damn line for an hour? What the—"

"But," said the blonde girl, holding up a hand to stop him from exploding. "Three tickets will get you…a minute and a half."

"Huh?" Jake said, totally confused. _What the hell?_

The brown-haired girl held up a stopwatch and pushed a button. Jake was about to give up and stomp off in a rage when suddenly it all became very, very clear. The hot girls leaned toward each other and began to make out in front of him. He felt rooted to the spot, and he couldn't tear his eyes away. The girls kissed for the entire minute and a half, and then the stopwatch beeped and they parted.

Jake was speechless. No wonder the line was so long. The girls smiled and waved goodbye at him, and he regained the ability to walk. Two gorgeous girls had let him watch while they made out with each other. Jake smiled to himself.

"That was totally worth it," he said out loud as he walked away from the booth. He couldn't stop smiling. "And way better than last year."

_I'm going to get more tickets._

THE END


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